The Church At Its Best

I was very much looking forward to being back with our congregation yesterday after a month long absence.  I truly love our church and yesterday they proved themselves to be the essence of Christian Community once again.  I knew that hugs and encouragements and warmth awaited me upon my return.  I knew that so many people from our church community had been praying for me and were entering into the sorrow I felt over losing my mother in profound and meaningful ways.  But I was not prepared for the amount of love and care that was showered upon me.
At the beginning of the first service, Doug put some lilies on the altar in memory of my mom Rose Ann.  It was moving and beautiful.  Between services I spoke with a number of people, some who gave me cards and flowers, others who offered a word of amazing support and love.  At the end of the second service, the entire board of our church came forward and asked me to join them.  They presented me with this amazing bouquet of flowers and shared a word of hope with me.  They expressed their deep care for me on the loss of my mother and assured me that I was not walking through this time alone, but that instead they would be by my side to journey with me.  It was such an outpouring of love and care.  I was overwhelmed, to say the least.
I lingered after the service, talking with people and sharing hugs.  So many people expressed their sorrow and but also their hope...that mom is indeed in a better place, whole once again.  So many in our church know deep and devastating loss and even so...the hope of heaven is so real to them.  What a blessing.
I wandered home, heavy laden with flowers and cards, warmly filled from a wonderful morning of worship and fellowship.  I was tired but content and eventually my mind wandered to what we would have for lunch and I was wishing that food would just magically appear on my table!  And then I opened the door to my apartment and my dreams were granted!  There stood the entire Executive Board of our church plus their families.  The delicious smell of food from around the world filled my senses and I could not believe that they had put this gathering together without my knowledge!  The first thing that the chair of our board said to me was this, "We want you to know that you have a family here in Stockholm who loves you and will walk with you through this time."  Many explained that in their culture, food would be brought for days...in India, a grieving family is not to cook for 11 days!  So they felt it only right that they come and provide a welcome home lunch for me and Doug.  
The food was fantastic....dishes from India and Pakistan which we love, spring salads, and Vida's legendary chicken from Ghana, fruit and desserts and breads.  Wow.  What a feast.  And we just enjoyed a plate of leftovers that was every bit as good!  It was the joyful feast of the people of God. What joy to have these dear people, our wonderful leadership at Immanuel, gathering in our home, to comfort me and Doug and bring love in tangible ways to our doorstep.  We enjoyed such a great afternoon together.  It was truly a beautiful welcome home.

A Beautiful Welcome Home

All things considered, I had a good trip back across the pond.  It was a teary good-bye with my dear dad at the Palm Springs airport but bulk head seating on the flight to Dallas was a bonus.  Any extra room always helps especially when you are full of emotion and plane travel affords, well, zero privacy unless you are in first class, which, clearly, I was not.
A dear friend who used to live in Stockholm who now resides in Dallas met me at the airport and we were able to spend a precious hour getting caught on our lives.  What a bonus to spend time with her instead of sitting in the terminal.  An added bonus was the delicious American style burger I consumed while we chit-chatted.  I did ask for an upgrade but alas, the flight to London was packed so no chance of moving.  Thankfully I had an aisle seat that I was able to just kind of hunker into.  I watched a beautiful film, Quartet, which did make me cry a little, ate dinner and conked out.  Slept pretty good most of the way to London.  The London leg proved to be uneventful as well.   Doug loves British egg salad sandwiches so I went to an airport sandwich shop, bought two sandwiches, two bags of salt-vinegar crisps and took them home with me for our dinner.  
I was so exhausted by that time that I actually fell totally asleep at the gate in London.  A kind woman came and woke me as boarding was completing itself.  I would probably still be on that bench if she had not had the kindness to bring me to my senses!
The plane to Stockholm was huge and virtually empty so I had lots of space for myself.  Good thing because the combination of extreme tiredness and sadness overwhelmed me and I found myself boo-hooing quite a bit on the flight.  Eventually I did fall asleep again which is really the best way to pass time on the final leg home.  
Speaking of home...it was wonderful to be greeted by my big, lovely, crazy dog and my adorable, wonderful, sweet, kind, lovely husband as well!  Tears, hugs, and stories over egg salad sandwiches fit the bill nicely.  While my eyes were burning out of my head and utter exhaustion had come over me, because of the 9 hour time difference, my body was ready to start the day.  I slept quite fitfully and finally at 3.00 got up to watch a little TV.  Eventually I went back to sleep.  I did notice that it was getting light outside!  But the combination of grief, sadness, and tiredness kept me in bed until 2.00 p.m.!  Not sure that is a good thing but it felt great.  We'll see if I can get some better sleep tonight.
Tanner eventually got me out of bed as he needed a walk and truth be told, so did I.  My beautiful city did not disappoint as the day was warm, sunny and just lovely.  Everything is now coming into bloom so it was delightful to take in the flowers along the way.  Tanner wanted to roll and roll in the new grass.  He likes walking but he loves to sprawl out on the grass as well!  The outdoor café scene was in full tilt, the water sparkling like diamonds and it all made me feel great to be back.
One of the great highlights for me every spring are the blooming cherry trees in Kungsträdgården.  
Located in the heart of the city, it is just a thrill when these beautiful blossoms grace the city.  I was so happy that I hadn't missed this rite of spring!  Literally hundreds of people were gathered to take photos, sit on the grass or steps and soak in the spring!  For many of us, the cherry trees blooming ensures that we really have put winter to bed for another year.  
The line to get ice cream was miles long and the mood was joyful!
I came home to do a little grocery shopping and make some dinner.  The paradox continues...I'm thrilled to be home and I miss my other home.  My heart wanders to my dad and to my mom.  I share a memory with Doug, a thought will make me laugh and still there are tears.  I love being home with Doug and I look forward to going to church and reconnecting with friends.It is good to share my life with my loved ones in my beautiful city.

Celebration of Life for Rose Ann

The service to celebrate my mom's life was held yesterday afternoon in the church where she had worked for 23 years, counseling people through difficult times, and building up the women's ministry there.  The church looked beautiful.   Several bouquets has arrived before we had, and I especially touched to see the beautiful basket of flowers that the American Women's Club in Stockholm had sent.  What a lovely gesture of support and love from my world across the ocean.
It was a packed house and a real reflection of who my mom was.  It was hard to accept that she wasn't present in earthly form to share this wonderful time.  When it was over, I wanted to talk with her about it.  I must admit, it is still a bit surreal for me to get my hands around the reality of her being gone.  But such is the nature of grief and loss.  Still, I am comforted by the surrounding present of family and friends, both near and far, who walk beside us now.  I missed Doug so much yesterday and I know he missed us.  We spoke with him just prior to leaving for the church and I could see his longing to join us.  We had to accept that we just could not get all the moving parts in place in order for him to come.  The service was video taped so hopefully we will find time to sit down and enjoy it together upon my return to Sweden.
The pastor's beautiful message was centered on Psalm 118:17: "I will not die but live,  and will proclaim what the Lord has done."  Our hope does not rest in this earthly life but is fixed on the eternal place that God is busy preparing for each one of us.  He has welcomed my mother with open arms and I'm sure there is great rejoicing in heaven even as our tears fall.  Two other families who have lost children in their lives were present at the service and I assured them that mom was in heaven now, gathering all the kids who left earth prematurely, including my brother Bill, their kids and Doug's sister Debbie, loving them up, assuring them that all is well.  
The reception following the service was a beautiful array of food that the church provided.  Mom loved strawberries and someone had provided this beautiful centerpiece filled with chocolate dipped berries.  The reception gave us a chance to visit and reminisce about the special person that Rose Ann had been to each person gathered.  I loved seeing childhood friends who drove in from Orange County and was deeply surprised and touched when a former student from North Park, a young man who I had mentored and worked closely with while he was in college and then hired to assist me in campus ministry after he graduated showed up at the service.  He had taken the red eye from Chicago to LAX, drove to Palm Springs, got in at 4.00 a.m. on Friday and then was flying out Friday night at midnight to be back at work on Saturday.  It was a gesture of great love and friendship and I was grateful.  We were able to share a couple of hours together after the service before he had to make the trek back to LAX.  
The only bummer in the whole day was that the church's projection system went down and the words of the hymns could not be projected.  Mom picked great hymns: Because He Lives, Amazing Love, Day by Day and with Each Passing Moment, and Children of the Heavenly Father.  We ended the service with To God be the Glory which is what my mom's life mantra was all about.
I was privileged to share the tribute and while it was tough at times, it was a great honor and I really loved the opportunity to celebrate my mom in this special way.  Here is the text.

When Pastor Mike invited me to share today, he said, “Now Jodi, I want you to take as much time as you'd like to and share exactly what you want to.” I replied by saying, “Wow, Mike, that's a pretty dangerous invitation for a preacher!” But seriously, I am deeply honored to be able to stand here today and share some of my thoughts with you about Rose Ann or Mrs. Moon as many of you affectionately called her...wife, sister, aunt, friend, counselor and of course to me, mother.

Here's one of the more remarkable thoughts that I considered when I began to think about what I'd like to share. We knew a lot of folks from a variety of walks of life would be gathering for this celebration of her life. And as I considered the multi-facetted places from where people would be coming, I was struck with a profound truth. Each person here today probably at one time or another felt like they were perhaps the most special person on earth because of something mom had said to them or done for them. It seems likely to me that all of us here today have known that incredibly personal touch that only Rose Ann could render to another person. She could make you feel loved like no other. She could help you retain your shattered faith like no other. She could touch the hurt in your life like no other and somehow give you the strength and the courage to come through it all, a much better, deeper, well-adjusted person. I should know this. She did these things for me for 52 years.

But in addition to her being this amazingly caring person, Rose Ann was also a bundle of fun. I am so thankful that both my parents loved life and were into having fun! We loved to play games, tell jokes, have a good laugh together, or head out on adventures. We did not have a lot of money but through my parent's creative use of resources, we sure did have a blast together as a family. Dad worked at Disneyland, so we got to there for free, several times a week! We had general admission passes to Angel stadium so 2-4 times a week, we were at the ball park. We loved going to the beach and camping and fishing. Mom couldn't stand to sit still, unless of course, you put a fishing pole in her hand. Then she could sit for 12 hours in one spot hovering over the best little fishing hole in order to catch her limit for the day. When we fished in Sweden and failed to catch anything, all she did was give my husband a hard time for not having the right kind of bait! What a character that woman was at times! My parents hosted gatherings and we would hear them laughing with their friends late into the night. They dressed up for parties and school events. They were never afraid to make fools of themselves in order to create laughter and joy in their wake. What a great gift they've given me in this.

In some ways I envied my mom's lifestyle while I was growing up. I was fortunate to have her stay home and likewise, most of the other moms stayed at home too. Mom had a Tuesday morning Bible study with the women in the neighborhood. Friday mornings were bowling leagues to raise money for the football teams. Rosie's Buds was the legendary slow pitch softball team that enjoyed surprising success. Then there were the silly gatherings with her friends to weigh-in. A group of gals would get together weekly to drink coffee and solve the world's problems and to see how much weight they were gaining and losing. For every pound they gained, they put money in a jar. When they had gained enough weight, they took their husbands out to dinner! And speaking of dinner, my parents belonged to a dinner group with about 8 other couples for 40 years. For 40 years, this wonderful crew chose a country and tried to cook food from these exotic lands! Sometimes it was good. Sometimes it was awful. Always it was a joyful feast among dear friends.

My mom was the consummate fan. There is no one who complained to the TV more than mom, about the Cubs, about the Angles, or about the Lakers. She never missed any of our games and I mean those of my brother, me and my dad. She missed one football game in my dad's entire career because she was in bed sick with the flu. When talking about it the next morning, I'm sure she still had opinions about the plays that were called. I'll never forget sitting with her in the stands at football games listening to her yell about why they didn't blitz more. She loved the game, she loved the players, she loved the coach more than anything else.

Longevity is a word that comes to mind. In addition to the family members present today, my peers from the high school teams my dad coached are present. Players who were my babysitters are here today. Friends from Orange County, where my folks lived for 24 years are here today and now the communities of Mission Lakes and Palm Springs, which represent the last 24 years are also present. School and church were always at the centerpiece of what we were about. I guess it's not that surprising then that first I was a teacher and a coach and now I am a minister.

One year after my brother died and my mom was diagnosed with cancer, I began blogging about our life and experiences in Stockholm, Sweden. These entries have been a bit of a life journal for me and I'm so thankful to have them as a record of our life. On mom's 78^th birthday, which is May 7^th by the way, back in 2008, I felt compelled to share deeply about the kind of person she was as she had survived a very tough year and was showing the deep mettle of her will to live and strong personality during those early years with cancer. They are just as appropriate today as they were then. I wrote: My mom is a fun-loving person. Often, if not always, the life of the party. People just flock around her. I have never met a friend of hers who hasn't just gushed about what an amazing person Rose Ann is. Sometimes it's embarrassing, maybe even a little annoying. I mean, there were small flaws in there somewhere. But the world in which Rose Ann inhabits is a world that sees only her generous spirit, her kind compassion, her strong and trustworthy leadership, her deep love for humanity and God. It's flattering and wonderful to see how well-loved your mom is.

My mom is one of the greatest athletes ever. She would easily have been a pro something, or an Olympic softball player but she lived during the wrong era for female athletes. I remember when we were kids getting a game of baseball, football or basketball together in the neighborhood. My brother and I would wander into the group and all of our friends would ask, "Is your mom going to play. If she is, we get her." It's kind of a bummer when you're 10 and your mom gets picked for a team before you do! When I was in college she played pick-up basketball with my friends and sank a lot of shots and always beat us at horse. When I turned 40, she was 70, and we played Laser Tag and she won. I think she got sympathy passes from everyone. They all felt bad shooting at an older lady! She and my dad would play two men in doubles tennis and consistently win. She'd beat the guys in golf with her crushingly long drives and amazing scrambling short game around the green. She broke a friend's nose while playing park league softball. You get the picture. She was a stud athlete.

She also had the highest pain threshold of anyone I've ever known, which became evident during the tough times of fighting back the cancer. When explaining this to others I just said, "Yeah, she's a tough cookie. She pulled her own tooth once because it was bugging her. Didn't even flinch." In the meantime, my dad and I were passed out on the floor because the mere thought of it had caused us to faint.

In 2009, her birthday entry read like this: Last summer we were told that mom's cancer was beyond healing. The Dr. promised to help her have a quality of life that was decent but we certainly weren't planning for any big birthday celebrations down the road. At the end of February we were surprised with the amazing news that she was in fact in remission..."a medical impossibility." But that's what's so great about my mom. She didn't care what was medically impossible. She knew that her God could do anything. She trusted in the words of Luke 1:37: "For nothing shall be impossible with God." Eve her oncologist called it a miracle.

And finally, last year on May 7, I wrote this: This birthday feels pretty special because it was 5 years ago to the day that we got word that mom had ovarian cancer.  It is a miracle and a joy that she is still with us to celebrate one more year!  I am humbled and awed and feel really blessed.  She has fought hard and overcome many moments when we thought that death had her in its grip.  I admire her courage, heading back into chemotherapy this winter, after enjoying a season of remission.  It was tough.  She was sick, lost her hair, suffered from having no energy or zest for life and yet, when the results came back that the treatment was effective, she chose to continue on even though it made her feel so crummy. My mom is a special woman.  She has a joy that emanates from within, a real love of others and of God that is so clear from the first moment you meet her.  Most people who have known my mom think of her as a fun-loving, people-loving, God-loving gal.  And she really is all that.  She embraces people no matter their background.  She acts silly no matter her age.  She loves a good laugh.  She's a good sport and a great athlete. I love that about her.  If you've ever met either one of my parents, it is not so hard to see where I get my competitive instinct!

And so now I must shift gears a bit because to speak of my mom and yet not to speak of my dad is impossible. My parents were married for 55 years and they still loved being married until the very end. Dad cared for mom with incredible grace and beauty. He never complained. He just did it. He was always so grateful for the ways she showed him support through the years and he felt it an honor to return the same for her. A couple of football players had shared some thoughts about my folks with me after the celebration of the 35^th anniversary of my dad's 1^st CIF championship last October. This one was extra special for me because it was my senior year at the same school I attended. Whatever sentiments these boys shared about how my father acted toward them, you can multiply that by the thousands and perhaps get a little bit closer to kind of love and loyalty he showed Rose Ann throughout their lives but especially during these years of fighting cancer. I want to share two excerpts from the mails I received because it sums up so well what an amazing team Coach and Mrs. Moon really were, not only to their children, but to countless young people in this world.

The first: “Jodi you must know how lucky you are to have two parents that genuinely love and care for anyone they come into contact with.  They have always spoken so highly of you and what you've accomplished.  They love you very very very much.  Ted had the ability to control young men in ways you couldn't imagine.  He'd be yelling at you in one minute and loving you the next.  Through it all he was very loyal to a fault to his players that gave it their all for him on the field. He taught us to never quit.  When the going got tough, the tough get going.  Everyone that I know of that has kept in contact with Ted applies those same principals in their personal and business life.

And from another: I was always moved by the way your dad talked about your mom. It was never disparaging, but always with love and respect. That spoke to me in an important way. As serious as he took winning, I saw in him that football was a tool, a means to teach us how to become men. The game was important… but it wasn’t the end.

No, the end is to live well and to love well, especially for the Lord. My mom did this with every fiber of her being. And while she fought valiantly and continually beat the odds of surviving, we all knew that the end was eventually going to come because every earthly life inevitably ends in death. The end was tough for me and my dad. But it was also such a sure sign that it was Rose Ann's time to go...go meet Jesus, go be reunited with my brother and her brothers and her parents, go dance on the streets of gold even though she never could dance very well! Go and get your new body. Leave the pain and the sorrow of this earthly bondage behind you and go receive the crown of righteousness that so deservedly awaits you.

In the final days of my mom's earthly life, these words from Luke 2:29-32 became especially meaningful to me:

“Sovereign Lord, now let your servant die in peace, as you have promised. I have seen your salvation, which you have prepared for all people. He is a light to reveal God to the nations, and he is the glory of your people Israel.” Mom reflected that light, the light of Christ, in remarkable and far reaching ways.

My mom was a faithful servant of our Lord. Even when most of us felt that she exuded the epitome of Christian love and walked closer to God than most folks ever will, I know that her prayer was for a deeper connection to God, a greater willingness to serve and obey and for an even wider capacity to love others with God's love. Her capacity to love and pour grace on others was beyond comprehension to most of us. And her ability to spread joy brought laughter to the world often. She was a true conduit of the love of God and the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ. And this was perhaps demonstrated most perfectly in her family, which she loved fiercely. Her commitment to my father, my brother, and of course me is hard to explain. She loved us all so deeply and we always knew that we had an amazing advocate in our corner when it came to my mom.

So as I bring my thoughts to a close, I do so with one request. The legacy of Rose Ann can live on if we will all seek to make a deeper connection with God, ask for a greater willingness to serve and obey, and pray for a bigger heart that we might all have a greater capacity to love others and pour grace into their lives. No one can replace Rose Ann. But if we all pick up just a bit of her legacy, her light, which was a pure reflection of the light of Christ, will continue to shine brightly and bring blessing to all who receive it.

So here's to you mom...to your faith, to your strength, to your toughness, to your will to live and your capacity to love, doing it all with a joy for life that is enviable. We will miss you terribly, we have loved you dearly, but we will always celebrate the amazing woman you were to each one of us. Amen.

Now today is a new day, a day that reminds us that we have to find our way forward without my mom nearby.  I'm so grateful for the love of my husband, his family, my dad, my extended family, friends near and far, through Facebook and other electronic means, flowers sent, cards and memorial gifts received, the prayers of the faithful and countless hugs and expressions of love and care.  Our lives will never be the same, but I stand firm on what does not change: Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.  And for this I remain ever thankful.  

Other Tributes Worth Reading

Over the past few days, my husband Doug, my cousin Mike and his wife Susan have all written beautiful tributes to my mom.  I have the privilege of sharing my tribute at her memorial service on Friday, 3 May at 1.00 p.m. at Our Savior's Community Church in Palm Springs.  I will post my thoughts after the service.  For now, take a moment to see what these others had to say about the special person Rose Ann was in their lives.
From my sweet husband Doug:
A Tribute to the best Mother-in-law I will ever know!
Rose Ann Mullen died yesterday, and I'm heartbroken for my wife and for my father-in-law. I also feel the heartbreak big time! Rose Ann was a woman who has had a special way of showing me the difference between being hole-hearted and wholehearted. I'm not sure I've met a woman with a bigger heart. (I must be careful here. I'm married to her daughter, who also has a giant heart.)
We had our moments. Rose Ann used to drive me crazy talking about her golf game and how bad she would say it was. God knows, I only hope to play the game as well as she did in her prime and past her prime. Probably not gonna happen for me!
We had our moments when it came to politics.
“You're a dumb diddly” was the nice term she used. She had other expletives that can't be mentioned. Yet, I admired the fact that she sincerely stuck to her principles, even if she was sincerely wrong.
(As for the expletives, I'll let St. Peter take those matters up with her at the gates of heaven. But somehow I suspect she will hear St. Peter saying,“You couldn't be more right Rose Ann- that son-in-law of yours is a dumb #####. But remember, God loves him anyway!)
I particularly loved listening to Rose Ann reflect on the football years. She loved each team as much as Ted did. She surely would have called the games differently than Ted did, but at the end of each Friday night (win or lose) she loved Coach Moon and each player dearly.
Still, she did have some special favorites! Her favorite players of all were a boy named Bill who didn't play often, but when he played- he played his heart out. Her other favorite of the game was a Spartan mascot (a greek term meaning-one who is courageous in the face of difficulty and pain) Jodi has been, and always will be a Spartan to me, and countless others. She did everything she could do to inspire players on the field and fans in the stands way back when. And she's still doing it now. I'm a major beneficiary of her Spartan attitude.
Rose Ann and Bill are no longer with us, I'm telling you...this is a major, major loss! (I'm not talkin' football anymore!) They're gone, and no pep-talk is going to relieve the pain. Bill went to be with God six years ago, and Rose Ann went to be with God yesterday.
The hard part for us is the loss- especially for Ted and Jodi! Nobody likes to lose. Love makes it hard for all of us to lose (be it- love for a game or love for life). But love makes it especially hard for a husband and a daughter to lose someone they treasure at the core of their being.
Even in losing we need to be reminded the day after, of a love that never fails- God's love- and how it was manifested in a special way through Rose Ann. And we need to remain thankful. Why? Because God gave Rose Ann a special way showing us all the whole heart of God.
The truth is, Rose Ann didn't lose! She's with God! She's now marveling at her crown in heaven! She's seeing her son again! Both, big time winners! Another follower of Jesus named John describes this victory in the book of Revelation, and he uses a term we simply think of as a tennis shoe. Rose Ann is Nike/or Nikao- victorious in Christ! (a bit of serendipity here- not surprising a tennis shoe has a way summing up Rose Ann's life.)
For Rose Ann, she now knows the truth of 2 Corinthians 4:16-18, better than we do ourselves. She knows it so well I can almost guess at her interpretation of the Apostle Paul's words:
“I didn't give up! How could I? Even though on the outside, everything fell apart in the end, on the inside God made me new again! Not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. Don't you forget that!
Hard times? Even death? Small potatoes,when you compare them to a ribeye steak and baked potato- cooked up perfectly night after night by Jesus. There's more to life than meets the eye. (And I ain't talkin' ribeye) Lots of things in the here and now matter! (But don't be a dumb diddly.) There's so much more to life than than the here and now! There's a Nike (and I'm not talkin' tennis shoes) and I want you to be a part of it!”
-My interpretation of Rose Ann's take on this text.
Rose Ann's gone from us now. But her example, her legacy can live on:
-through people she counseled and cared for.
-through sisters and brothers in Christ who felt their heart expanding because of something Rose Ann said, or did, or didn't do.
-and through any person who has ever been impacted by her straightforward and frank- yet compassionate, and loving care.
Somehow, I suspect that everybody who knew her has a wonderful story to tell about Rose Ann. And surely these are going to be really good stories to tell. They will undoubtedly have a way of expanding our hearts, pointing us to the God she now knows in full.
So let's tell our stories.
Let's grieve our loss.
But, let's also remember to live into her legacy.
We too, can be wholehearted reflections of the love of Christ right now!
We too, can follow in her Nike/Victorious tennis shoes!
May God bless us all in the loving memory of Rose Ann Mullen, an outstanding, (and I mean a really outstanding) life coach!
Thank you Rose Ann for the many ways you've expanded my heart by revealing the whole heart of God.
Your favorite “Dumb-Diddly” son-in-law, Doug

And from my cousin Mike, my mom's oldest brother's oldest son, who shared a special bond with his Aunt Rose Ann:
My universe has a hole in it...a rather large hole.
It happens...it comes with age.
And for the most part I can accept it and move on.
But...as I said...this is a rather large hole.
A larger-than-life-itself hole that used to be filled by my aunt Rose Ann.
I was the first born in my family and therefore inherited all things that go with being the first born.
Next to my parents...no one enjoyed my arrival more than my aunt.
I don’t remember this, of course, but I couldn’t pronounce her name...
so I called her “Aunt Fo Fan”.
She, of course, always reminded me of this fact.
I didn’t mind it at all...it was part of the bond.
She was the youngest in her family...
the youngest and the only girl...
so she really didn’t have much of a choice...
she was going to be a great athlete.
Given a different time and circumstances,
she could have been a professional baseball player or golfer...
she was that good.
She accepted the Nelson mantra...
if you’re going to hit anything...
hit it as hard as you can.
That worked for baseballs...
golf balls...
tennis balls...
and the occasional football player.
She was the first in the family to graduate from college.
She was the first in the family to visit Europe.
She was the first in the family to go to graduate school.
And she was the first in the family to marry a bona fide football hero.
She was the loudest voice at all of Ted’s games...his greatest cheerleader.
She wasn’t just the cheerleader for her family...
she was a cheerleader for the human race.
We need more like her...
and that’s why we miss those voices more than others.
I’ll certainly miss...”Give your Aunt Fo Fan a hug"

And from Mike's wife Susan, who has her own blog called "A Desert State of Mind"
Aunt Rose Ann passed away yesterday.  She is technically Mike’s aunt, but I adopted her along with the rest of his family.  As most of my own family is gone or thousands of miles away, I’ve been lucky enough to actually like my husband's family. 
In this year that we’ve been living in the desert, I’ve had the pleasure of spending more time with Rose Ann. She was always up for a good joke or discussion, whether it be about politics, religion or sports.  We ate, drank, laughed and argued, but always left each other with a hug and a smile.  She was smart and caring and competitive and always left her mark on whatever she did.  She could play just about any sport and play it well.  She had great insight and whether you agreed with her or not, she could make you think. She met each challenge in life head on and even in a year filled with adversities, continually rebounded and inspired us all.     
She was one of the girls and one of the guys and will be greatly missed.

There are, no doubt, countless others who are making tribute to my mom's amazing life, but these three meant a lot to me and I wanted to pass them on.

The Back Nine

When my parents lived in the community where Doug and I own our home, one of my mom's favorite things to do was to get out on the golf course, late in the day, when all the regular golfers were done, and buzz around the course, working on shots, and just generally having a good time on the course. The back nine of the Mission Lakes golf course were among her favorite holes, especially 10-11-12, the signature holes of the golf course. So today I felt like I needed to get out on the back nine and honor her memory and enjoy something that she truly loved.

It was a hot, sunny breezy afternoon.  I got off the 10th tee with a decent tee shot and as romantic and wonderful as it would've been to par the hole, I reverted to form and shanked a few before I finally got the ball in the hole. I didn't care. It was wonderful being out there thinking about my mom's love of the game. She was a great golfer and I always wanted to be as good as she was. I seriously doubt I'll ever get there but it's fun to think about it as I plod along. Hole number 11 is a gorgeous hole high above the rest of the course. It's a very challenging hole but lots of fun to play. I hit a perfect tee shot and then flew my second shot into the desert. But I took a little detour into the wilderness and found four other balls. It was so gorgeous up on the hillside. I just loved being up there. Hole 12 was easily my mom's favorite golf hole.  The tee towers above the green and it takes a solid shot to land it on the green far below. I was very happy that I did not scuff it into the desert! I didn't land it on the green, but I got safely down. I took a moment to look around. One day, we will scatter her remains on the desert landscape that surrounds this hole. That has been her expressed desire for a long time now.

Some close friends of my folks live on the tee at 13 and they were sitting on their patio so we sat for a moment and chatted about Rose Ann. They agreed that “dinking” around the golf course late in the day was one of her favorite things to do. When I got to 17, I had to laugh remembering the time when Doug first met my folks. He was thrilled that they lived on a golf course and glad that my folks were into golf. The first time we played with my parents, on 17, Doug was in a sand trap and he sculled the ball in such a manner that it flew out of the sand at a perpendicular angle to his lie and smacked my mom right in the belly! We were so glad that it wasn't a more dangerous hit. Doug was so embarrassed!

I hit a good tee shot on 18 and just smiled thinking about the way mom could belt the ball.  She was such a pro. In fact, my dad said to me yesterday that he felt if she had lived in this era, she could've been on the ladies pro tour. I think so too.

I ended my evening memorial round on hole no. 2, technically not on the back 9, but the hole that is close to our house and the place where mom had one of two of her holes in one.  I hit the first shot in the water. The second one made it over!  I doubt I'll ever get a hole a one.  My dad never did.  Doug has yet to.  It's just perfect that mom had 2.

It is likely I will not reach her skill level in my lifetime as she was a much better golfer at 52 than I presently am. But I feel inspired by her love of the game to keep at it and will always enjoy playing the back nine at Mission Lakes with her in my mind.

Today was near perfect. It could only have been better if Doug had been with. Oh, and well, mom too. Peace to her memory.

Waiting

I suppose I have a deeper appreciation of why medical professionals do not like to give a time frame for when someone is going to die.  There is always the mystery of death to contend with and that lies way beyond any human reason or set of bodily functions that begin to indicate that the end is nigh.  When my mom's nurse saw her on Monday, she predicted with great certitude that mom's passing was likely going to happen within the next 24 hours.  Here we are on Thursday morning trying to contend with the final stages of my mom's earthly life.  I have to admit that I am a bit shaken right now.  The nights are long and uncertain.  In my humble opinion, mom's spirit has left us and we are just waiting for the body to catch up.  She is truly gone in every single way, except she keeps breathing.  Her breathing is labored and difficult.  The nurse assures us that it is way more uncomfortable for us to listen to than it is for mom to experience but it's quite unnerving.
If I am to be totally transparent, a quality that my mom taught so many to embrace, I must say that I'm struggling with the notion that "God's timing is perfect."  While my faith is sustaining me during this difficult period, I also must admit that I do not understand why she is lingering in such a difficult place when all human interaction is now finished.  We are playing hymns, praying, loving her, talking with her, assuring her it is OK for her to go, and yet, she lingers on.  I wonder why and worry that somehow she is uncomfortable letting go.  I want release for her, for me, for my father.

Yesterday two friends sent quotes that have meant the world to me.  The first relates to patience and is from Henri Nouwen, a writer and theologian who I have gone to often in my own faith journey.  He writes, “A waiting person is a patient person. The word patience means the willingness to stay where we are and live the situation out to the full in the belief that something hidden there will manifest itself to us.”  I am seeking to "stay where we are", be in the moment and not seek escape from the reality of this situation but it is hard.  The irony for me in all of this is that I am least patient person I know.  I like to get things moving and make things happen.  And there is not one thing I can do right now to make mom's death happen in a timely and tidy manner.  And so we wait.  With great uncertainty and sadness and discomfort to be able to embrace her passing and move to the next stage of grief.

Another friend sent this prayer from the Book of Common Prayer.  It is so beautiful and so timely and so appropriate that I would ask each of you who read this blog to pray it with us several times throughout this day and on into the night if we are called to face another night with her hanging on.
"Keep watch, O God, with those who work, or watch, or weep today. Give your angels charge over those who sleep and those who wait. Tend the sick, give rest to the weary, bless the dying, soothe the suffering, pity the afflicted, shield the joyous; all for your love's sake. Amen."

And again we pray, Lord, in your mercy, hear our prayers.

Thanks to so many of you who have left comments, written me or my dad, followed what's happening on Facebook.  Phone calls are exceedingly hard right now so we ask that phone calls be kept to a minimum.  My dad and I will update our networks as soon as anything changes.
The global community of care that is surrounding us right now is absolutely sustaining me as we walk this difficult road.  Thank you for letting me share my heart and journey with you.

Waiting For the Passage from Earthly Life to Eternal Life

The weekend brought us to a place of great decline with my mom.  Last Friday she was in quite a bit of pain and we were doing everything we could to get the pain under control and get her to a more comfortable resting place.  Sadly, this also meant that she needed to be sedated in order to rest quietly.  We didn't realize it at the time, but once she quieted down on Friday, it was the beginning of the end of her being alert on earth.  She would stir from time to time but often with groans and whines.  She seemed so uncomfortable that the most humane thing to do was to gently care for her through loving words and warm caress while administering more pain medicine.  My father and I began to accept that the days of interacting with her here on earth were likely behind us and we began to pray for God, in His mercy, to take her to her eternal home.  
I have never waited for death in quite this manner.  We are very blessed that she has been able to have home hospice care and her caregivers have been awesome.  There are no tubes or machines.  Just us trying to make her passage from earth into eternity as comfortable as possible.  
It is a strange and curious place to be, waiting, (wanting in a compassionate manner) for a loved one to pass.  I am deeply comforted by the events of the past week and by the future hope that we truly embrace.  I know that my mother is anxious to meet my brother, in whatever way the afterlife provides, and I know that she is ready to shed this earthly body which is now of no earthly good and only a hindrance to the glory that awaits her.  I cannot want her to continue in this fragile state.  It is so odd to think that while she is technically still alive, she is definitely no longer living.  I count it a huge privilege to be present with my father and with her as we wait for her death.  Both my father and I are ready for the next stage of adjustment and grief which will surely come.  But we are ready to release her from this current state and return to memories of her which include her broad smile, curly hair and winsome personality.  
I have thought so often of what we in clergy circles commonly refer to as the Nunc Dimittis, most often recited at the end of a funeral or a memorial, but something that has brought me comfort as I have sought to come to grips with my mom's departure from this world:

"Lord, now you let your servant go in peace;   

Your word has been fulfilled.

My eyes have seen the salvation

You have prepared in the sight of every people,

A light to reveal you to the nations and the glory of your people, Israel."

My mom has been a great servant of our Lord.  The imprint that she has made on countless people's lives is immeasurable.   She has been a light that has helped so many experience the unconditional love of Christ in unspeakable ways.  She deserves to go in peace and so we are praying for that to happen soon.

Yes, it is a very strange place waiting for someone you love to pass from earth to eternity and yet the hope that is ours because of Christ's victory over death through his resurrection surely brings comfort and joy even as we sorrow.  Lord, in your mercy.  Hear our prayers.  Amen.